This unexpected text message is making my stomach ache. The bones in my arms hurt the most. I have a heavy, tender ball near my heart. The pain is real. My eyes water uncontrollably. I’m sobbing. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. These are the BIG things in life that I’ve talked about in my past posts. Sometimes they’re expected. Sometimes they’re unexpected. But I can guarantee you, they will show up. I wondered yesterday if I really had the strength, confidence, and courage to handle this.
The pain, shame, guilt, and sadness are making me question myself as a mom. I wonder if I have PTSD. I have to grieve because I’m experiencing a loss that I wasn’t ready for (for the second time). I know something good will come of this, but I can’t see it today. Today, I’m better than yesterday. Tomorrow, I will feel better than today. Eventually, I will be able to talk about it with my family and friends and shed some tears that I thought were done falling.
I am human.
I can take a few days and do whatever I need to do to get past this. I have the right to cry, be mad, not take a shower, take a shower, not eat (or eat only chocolate), not talk to anyone, let the dishes go, don’t make the bed, don’t wash the laundry, watch movies, read books, color, take naps, stay up all night, or just sit on the couch or recliner and do nothing…as long as I don’t stay here for too long. It’s good to grieve but there comes a time when I need to move forward and start living again.
I will get back on track.
I had so much planned for this week in preparation of the new year. I’m glad I’ve been #unplugged so far this week. Soon I will be back to doing my daily routine. I will write in my journal, pray, and be grateful. I will continue to write my book, plan my future, and create new posts. I will catch up on social media. I will make my bed and get the dishes done before my husband gets home from work. I will focus on The Twelve Foundations for Successful Transformation that I created for myself and, now that I know that they work, will continue to share them with you through my posts, books, and blogs.
I’m going to live my life well from the inside out.
I’m not going to run and hide. I’m not going to move away (because of this). I’m going to stay right here where God has planted me and be strong, confident, and courageous. I’m going to rely on my faith and pray. I’m going to get quiet so I can hear His answers. I’m going to help other women be strong, confident, and courageous. We can help each other. That’s what women do.